Unified Theory of Bacon

I’ve finally gotten around to formalizing my Unified Theory of Bacon.

I welcome observations from the community. As a man of science, I accept that my theory may be flawed, as it does not consider the possibility that another food unimproved by bacon may in fact be present when observing quantum particles…. mmm… Schr√∂dinger’s Bacon… I digress. Here is the theory.

I. Every food product perseveres in its state of being delicious or of not being delicious, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by bacon impressed.

II. The rate of change of deliciousness of a food product is proportional to the resultant bacon acting on the food and is in the same direction as the bacon vector.

III. When the food product acted upon by bacon is of cheese persuasion, the deliciousness of the acting bacon force is increased with a rate of change proportional to the cheese force.

Therefore, all food products’ deliciousness is increased by the addition of bacon, except for cheese which in turn increases the deliciousness of bacon.

Additionally, it can be said that the whole of combined bacon and cheese products is in fact greater than the sum of the parts by a power of 2. Or b + c = bc2

Leave a comment ?


  1. I object to your first point:
    “Every food product perseveres in its state of being delicious or of not being delicious, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by bacon impressed”

    This completely ignores, even rejects(!), the fact that melted cheese has a similar effect. Ice cream delicious. Ice cream with melted cheese – not delicious. Stale bread – not delicious. Stale bread with melted cheese (fondue anyone?) – delicious.
    I expect that this issue will be addressed in later publications of your theory.

  2. You most definitely need to come to the next Baco de Mayo, an all day party in celebration of bacon.

    some pix from BdM07:

  3. Fishmonger: Ah, but you see it does consider melted cheese’s similar effect. See Section III.

    A similar process can be applied to caramel, but I believe that bacon improves caramel, and not vice-versa.

  4. Dan; I had heard about Baco de Mayo, but I was unable to attend. Very unfortunate.

  5. I can stand behind any math that involves bacon :)

  6. Unless the bacon is being subtracted.

  7. I am happy that someone is finaly discussing this important world issue.

  8. Baconsalt! at ryptide.com - pingback on November 19, 2007 at 1:02 pm
  9. I keep waiting for someone to introduce Bagels with Bacon Bits. I think they would be delish. Don’t know why it hasn’t happened yet.

  10. Simply put, bacon goes with anything. It may not improve the taste of the food, but at least there’s bacon there. A similar food item is peanut butter. This can go on bread, pizza, chocolate, and of course, bacon.

    Also, bacon can go very well with chocolate, especially dark chocolate.

    but can peanut butter go with cheese?

    Can cheese go with chocolate?

    I think perhaps bacon is the most universal of these three food items.

  11. Michael, are you a fan of the peanut butter and bacon sandwich? That’s a favorite of mine, for sure. Have been thinking about possibly throwing a banana in there as well. I’ll try it and report back.

  12. Schwendigity - pingback on December 21, 2007 at 2:01 pm
  13. I think what you have missed is the theory of quantum bacon, such that, unobserved, a food product is both delicious and not delicious at the same time.

  14. Does bacon plus more bacon increase the deliciousness factor exponentially?

  15. at what point do we achieve diminishing returns in bacon coercive improvement…

    …and, if there is no one to observe said bacon, does bacon cease to exist and thus negate is delicinosity

  16. @ Poser: If bacon is observed it will be eaten, then it will cease to exist. Have you ever observed the phenomenon of leftover bacon? I certainly haven’t, and I believe it may be a purely hypothetical construct.

  17. Thank you! at ryptide.com - pingback on December 23, 2007 at 4:16 am
  18. Bacon ? I have observed this phenomenon first hand, and can tell you for a fact that there is an amount of bacon that can be described as too much, but only in the event that one actually eats it, and experiences an increase in one’s dress that is directionally proportionate to the amount of bacon eaten. This being said, any amount of bacon that is under the amount of bacon that could increase ones size and decrease one’s health is /bacon 4 U, but can still be used to surprise your friends, make sculpture, or experiment with a new recipe for Bacon Cola.

  19. Your bacon-cheese relationship, b c = bc^2 (I can’t do a superscript), reduces to b = 1/c for c>>1, or “bacon is the inverse of cheese.” I think this disproves your hypothesis via reductio ad absurdium, one of my favorite logics, because we all know that the inversion of cheese does not result in bacon, even if the inverse function is applied in a cheesy way.

    Perhaps a fix to this dilema would be to include a proportionality constant, thus b = K/c. Here, bacon is proportional to but not equal to the inverse of cheese in a cheesy way. I chose K because c was already used for cheese and I wanted something that sounded like “cracker,” though I’d rather it came out to c/K which is the more normal orientation.

    Hope this helps.

  20. @Uncle Jake: If said bacon does not exist when observed, and there is no way of proving unobserved bacon, is it safe to say that all bacon is observed, and therefore, all bacon does not exist. This proves Finneganistan’s argument, that bacon’s deliciousness does and does not exist, because while it’s deliciousness is observed, it’s failure to exist also proves that it’s deliciousness can not exist.

  21. Old article but I just saw it. The end formula should be (bc)^2. As it stands only the cheese is squared.

  22. Greg, Frank, you both bring up a rather glaring point. I will have to rework that formula.

  23. Anton Olsen.com » Blog Archive » Bookmarks for December 20th - pingback on December 20, 2008 at 10:00 pm

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